Funny-Bone Ticklers

Cats, Cats, Cats!

2008-07-19T05:04:00.001-07:00

I ADORE CATS! I think they, along with Horses
and Dolphins, are some of God's FINER creations!

So when Pickles ran these, I couldn't help but to save them.
Hope you enjoy them as much as I did/do!
C~B~N

This is my baby. Baby Mac. He had to grow to his EARS, TAIL, and FEET. This was his first Christmas which actually occured on December 25, 2006...not on March 2, 2004 as the photo states.

Hey, it was a new camera and I never claimed to be a techno-wizard! Didn't even know the feature was turned on til I got these downloaded!!

He was the LAST baby born on August 28, 2006 and he was the BIGGEST one. He was also the LAST one weened and that was done forceably as Lil Mama would see him coming and lay down on her teets and refused to nurse him anymore. Hence, I believe we have an oral problem as he has since then been a "tail-sucker"!!!

Baby Mac today weighs a whopping 13 POUNDS! Be careful where he steps!

LOL C~B~N

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You're Being E-Dumped!

2008-07-18T20:34:00.001-07:00

Two of my absolute favorite funnies are Pickles and Cathy.

Today is a series that Cathy ran earlier this year-2008.

I liked it so much that I emailed it to all my email friends and family!

Sorry that they are so small....that's blogger not me! I don't know how to fix something like this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from the email I sent:

[and NO, I'm not e-dumping any of you!! But QUIT sending me those "extortion" ones that demand I send it to 4 GAZILLION people in the next 5 SECONDS and receive unbelievable blessings OR ELSE!!!]

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Bubblewrap for peace of mind

2008-07-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Bubble Wrap Fun

This is FUN....try the MANIC mode!

LOL C~B~N

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The difference between MEN and WOMEN

2008-07-18T20:33:00.001-07:00

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and
John will each throw in $20, even though it's
only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their bill, out
come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
soap, and a towel. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats,
but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water
the plants, answer the phone, read a book,
and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings
and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the
night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dental appointments and romances,
best friends, favorite foods, secret fears hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY FROM ALL THIS
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the
same thing!

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Psychopath Test

2008-07-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

[C~B~N received this in my email the other
day....]

Read this question, come up with an answer
and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

No one I know has gotten it right.

[C~B~N finds this HARD to believe!!!]

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother,
met a man who she did not know. She thought he
was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream
partner so much, that she fell in love with him right
there, but never asked for his number and could not
find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer,
see answer below:

The Scream by Edvard Munch

Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the
funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a
psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American Psychologist
used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer
the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know
so I can take you off my e-mail list!!!!!!

[LOL guess everyone I know will have to "delete"
me from their email-list as I knew the answer
immediately. I FIGURE it's because I read pretty much
ONLY mysteries. For great serial killer reads try
John Sandford, Jonathon Kellerman, Phillip
Margolin...just to name a few!

sign me

your "cereal killer" friend]

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The Fortune Teller

2008-07-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked
off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal
ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

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Marriage funnies

2008-07-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"

--Rita Rudner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realized that my five-year-old grandson
had been watching too many reality TV
shows the day we attended a relative's
wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down
the aisle toward the front of the church,
he turned to me and asked, "Is this where
the groom decides which one he wants
to marry?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sister, went to the department store to
check out the bridal registry of our niece
whose wedding was coming up soon.

When my sister returned from the store,
she tossed the gift list on a table and declared,
"I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for
Nintendo games."

For this great poster go to GB Posters

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Marriage is the process of finding out
what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

- A Christian should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony.

- Marriage means commitment. Of course, so
does insanity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.

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For the Love of Dogs...

2008-07-17T20:33:00.001-07:00

Three years ago, I adopted a purebred
Sheltie from a rescue shelter. His name was
Buster. He had bad teeth and his fur stuck
out no matter what.

I didn't care. He was my dog. He had a few
owners in his life, and I promised him that I
would never give him up, no matter what.

Earlier this year, we found out Buster had an
enlarged heart. The vet gave him six to eighteen
months. Buster was having seizures that were
probably causing brain damage.

Last Friday night, he had a seizure and cracked his
head against the sofa. He couldn't walk after that.
He kept bumping into walls and experienced
constant bowel movements and vomiting.

My dog was gone. Buster was no longer there.
His body was walking around, but that was all.
I decided he needed to be put to sleep. He went to
sleep on December 21, 2007, less than a month
before his ninth birthday. I feel his absence keenly.

I sincerely hope and pray dogs do get into heaven.

After all, D-O-G is G-O-D spelled backward.

Buster had no worries at all. He knew that I would
feed him and water him in a timely manner and that
I would take care of him no matter what.

In return, he gave me his loyalty and undying love.
He taught me a very important lesson: This is what
God wants from us.

I feel awed that such a simple creature could teach so
valuable a lesson with deeds and not words.
I already loved God with all my heart, without
reservation, and followed him.

And now, I love God even more than I thought possible.

~A MountainWings Original by Michael Dowds
Peyton, Colorado~

{What a Wonderful perspective!}

Things You Can Learn From Your Dog

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the

wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it's in your best interest

- practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded

your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into

the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have

had enough.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit

close by and nuzzle them gently.

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The Googling

2008-07-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Part 1

The Vacationeers

This was featured on Kim Komando's site.
She now does a video each day.

I found this truly, yet scarely, Funny!

When you get to YouTube, check out these guys
OTHER Hilarious videos. They are "The Vacationeers"!

Watch all of "The Googling" Series

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Funny One Liners

2008-07-17T19:41:00.001-07:00

Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a
fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Egomaniac

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

A: One.
The egomaniac holds the light
bulb while the rest of the world
revolves around him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No More

I just read an article on the dangers of eating too
much fat and drinking too much and it scared the
heck out of me. So I told myself, "That's it!"

After today, no more reading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Old Age is a gift

2008-07-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first
time in my life, the person I have
always wanted to be. Oh, not my
body! I sometime despair over my
body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes,
and the sagging butt. And often I am
taken aback by that old person that
lives in my mirror (who looks like my
mother!), but I don't agonize over
those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends,
my wonderful life, my loving family for
less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've
aged, I've become more kind to myself,
and I am less critical of myself. I've
become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that
extra cookie, or for not making my bed,
or for buying that silly cement gecko that
I didn't need, but looks so avante garde
on my patio. I am entitled to a treat,
to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave
this world too soon; before they understood
the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play
on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful
tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time,
wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is
stretched over a bulging body, and will dive
into the waves with abandon if I choose to,
despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, [with luck] will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there
again, some of life is just as well forgotten.
And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been
broken. How can your heart not break when
you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers,
or even when somebody's beloved pet gets
hit by a car?

But broken hearts are what give us strength
and understanding and compassion. A heart
never broken is pristine and sterile and will
never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to
have my hair turning grey, and to have my
youthful laughs be forever etched into deep
grooves on my face. So many have never
laughed, and so many have died before their
hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.
You care less about what other people think.
I don't question myself anymore. I've even
earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old.
It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am
still here, I will not waste time lamenting what
could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day.

(If I feel like it)

~Author Unknown~

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A Rose by any other name....

2008-03-05T23:32:00.000-08:00

I just ADORE the Pickles comic strip! These made me
laugh a lot. You gotta understand, living in East Texas,
we come across some very interesting names!

Here are a few of my favorite East

Texas names:

Shaneequia, Lamisha, Laquisha,

Tamitra, Laterica, Rashonda and

Lashonda or how about these

twins names: Chatonia and Chatania

Wish I had kept an ongoing list since

starting work...but these were some of

the more memorable ones I have run across!!

Most times I just spell it the way it

sounds...but for the twins I had her

spell them because I thought she was

saying the same name. Chatonia was

calling in for her sister Chatania who

was too sick to come to work!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one is from the Reader's Digest ezine.

Conversation with an airline reservation

clerk:

Clerk: First name, please?

Me: Nancee.

Clerk: Last name?

Me: Tegeder. And I'll be taking my infant

daughter.

Clerk: Her first name?

Me: Erica.

Clerk: And her last?

Me: The same.

Clerk: Erica Erica?

-- Nancee Tegeder, Vail, Arizona

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Husbands and Wives

2008-03-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were
riding home from the chapel in a wagon
pulled by a team of horses, when the older
horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's
once."

A little further along, the poor old horse
stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's
twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled
again. The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun
and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him,
"That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

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Test for Dementia

2007-11-27T21:40:00.001-08:00

Below are four (4 ) questions and a
bonus question. You have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer
all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person, you take his place,
so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time!!!

Now answer the second question, but don't take as
much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this,
are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 .
Now add 30. Add another1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your
day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last
question right.......Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary.

Read the question again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a
toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his
teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to
buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple.... Like you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't feel bad....C~B~N had a BAD day too!!

LOL

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17 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

2007-11-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

Ummm, a slow learner perhaps?
I'm LOL!
C~B~N

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.

6. When trouble arises and things look bad,
there is always one individual who perceives a
solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.

7. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance. [With the exception of your own kids who
will be MORTIFIED by your "moves"!]

8. Never lick a steak knife.

9. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

10. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
[It is also the MOST deadly and why the Bible deals
with this.]

11. You will never find anybody who can give
you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight savings time. [Nor can you find anyone who
can remember which way to turn the clock! Thank
goodness they have it posted on a sticky note to remind
everyone every year!]

12. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think she's
pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment. [My sister did this one time! Talk
about a FROSTY reception! I'm still LOL about that one!]

13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday.That time
is age eleven.

14. The one thing that unites all human
beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
that we are above-average drivers.
[let me tell you, YOU AREN'T!!!!]

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person. [This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.]

17. Your friends love you anyway.

~by Dave Barry, Presidential Contender~

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Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise

2007-11-27T20:40:00.001-08:00

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the
teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency
assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation
Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for
food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then
cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and
night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns
them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00
rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1
bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the
fountain in the mall.

Top of Page

2007-11-27T20:40:00.000-08:00

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Jewish Olympic Swimmer

The Woodpecker Might have to go!

May your troubles be less,
may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness
come through your door!

Top of Page

Real Church Signs

2007-11-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

Top of Page

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

2007-11-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

C~B~N would get TV again to watch this one!!!!
[My added comments...]

Six married men will be dropped on an island
with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned
house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects,
cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with
not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for
groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends
and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's
appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut
appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social
function. [At the LAST minute~~you know, the NIGHT
before 4 dozen are due~~and you are told at 9pm at night
~~and you have to work tomorrow!!!!]

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own
assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it
presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids
are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn
himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure
severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme,
unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow
down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church,
and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the
park or a similar setting.They will need to read a book
and then pray with the children each night and in the
morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each
father will be required to know all of the following
information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size,
clothes size and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth,
and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle
name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite
toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they
grow up.
[While holding down a FULL-TIME job....let's not forget
that one!!!!]

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
[Nope--should be the Television WATCHING mothers!!!]

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning
the right to be called Mother!

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Bumper Stickers for WOMEN

2007-11-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

-So many men, so few who can afford me

- God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends

- If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going!

- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips

- Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog

- Coffee - Chocolate - Men... Some things are just better rich

- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!

- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

- Do not start with me. You will not win.

- You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up.

- All stressed out, and no one to choke!

- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen!

- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!

- Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off!

- Out of estrogen, and I have a gun!

- Guys have feelings too but... who cares?

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy!

- Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

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God's Voice Mail

2007-08-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Most of us have now learned to
live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives.

Have you ever wondered what
it would be like if God decided
to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing
the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following
options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and
Saints are busy helping other
sinners right now.

However, your prayer is important
to us and we will answer it in
the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has
been assigned to heaven press 5,
then enter his social security #
followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response,
please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven,
please enter JOHN followed
by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you
arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you
have already been prayed for today,
please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the
weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and
need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † †

While this makes us laugh....been there
and experienced that.....isn't it a relief
that God will never treat us this way?

That whenever we need HIM, HE is
there! He is just a short prayer away!

C~B~N

Top of Page

The Bible According to Kids

2007-08-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

The following statements about the Bible
were written by children and have not
been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad
spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
God got tired of creating the world, so
he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark
because Noah built the ark, which the
animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and
throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with
the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount
Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve
told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle
of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had
300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the
mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the
east arrived and found Jesus in the
manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had
an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped
water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule,
which says do one to others before
they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does
not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose
from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus
were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the
apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew
who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached the holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony.

Top of Page

20th Century Visionaries

2007-08-11T19:38:00.001-07:00

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank goodness other "visionaries" didn't listen!!

I'm LOL...C~B~N

Top of Page

You Might be a Redneck If

2007-08-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

-You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

- You've been to a funeral and there were more
pick-ups than cars.

- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie
Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

- You just bought an 8-track player to put
in your car.

- There are four or more cars up on blocks
in the front yard.

-You can't get married to your sweetheart
because there is a law against it.

- You celebrate Groundhog Day because you
believe in it.

- Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

- You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.

- You fish in your above-ground pool... and
catch something.

- Your beer can collection is considered a
tourist attraction in your home town.

- Getting a package from your post office
requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station
to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip
Budweiser wall clock.

- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You think you are an entrepreneur because
of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

- You're still scalping tickets after the concert
is over.

- You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.

- Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP"
you reach in your back pocket.

- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Country Songs

Readers of New York magazine were asked
to invent country-song titles.

Here are some entries:

- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The
Night I Threw You Out

- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But
My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left
With A Tart

- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad
Hare Day

- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't
Choose Me

- The Peach I Picked In Georgia
Didn't Cling To Me For Long

- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In
A Cookbook On Your Shelf

- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope
You're Happy

Top of Page

Colliding galaxies & Personal Integrity

2007-08-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Colliding Galaxies

The New York Times, among other papers,
recently published a new Hubble photograph
of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures
of colliding galaxies for quite some time now,
but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can
actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lawyer's Personal Integrity

An investment counselor went out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept
coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed
an in-house counsel, and so she began
interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she
started off with one of the first applicants,
"in a business like this, our personal integrity
must be beyond question."

She leaned forward and continued,
"Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect.
"Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent
me fifteen thousand dollars for my education
and I paid back every penny the minute I
tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,

"He sued me for the money."

Top of Page

Lost and Found

2007-08-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had
left my purse under the seat. Later I
called the company and was relieved
that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several
off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook,
two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost
wallets and purses," he explained.

"I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back
into the pocketbook, the man continued,
"I hope you don't mind if we watch.

Even though we all tried, none of us
could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Top of Page

The Big Bang

2007-08-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

Astronomers were excited this week at
having isolated a brief sound which
occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."

Top of Page

One Wish

2007-08-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

A woman was walking along the beach
when she stumbled upon an unusual
old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned
it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she was
going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation,
constant downsizing, low wages in
third-world countries, and fierce global
competition, I can only grant you one
wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm good, but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and
said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and
helps with the housecleaning, is good
in bed and gets along with my family,
doesn't watch sports all the time,
and is faithful. That's what I wish
for...a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and
said, "Let me see that map!"

Top of Page

Marriage

2007-08-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old
granddaughter playing "wedding."
The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say may be held against you,
you have the right to have an attorney
present. You may kiss the bride."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the wedding ceremony was over,
a little girl asked her mother why the
bride changed her mind.

"What do you mean?" responded her mother.

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top of Page

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

2007-08-11T09:53:00.001-07:00

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up$46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the$46.64.............

...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free."
"They're already buy-one-get- one-free" , she said, "so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.............

...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"............

...They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."..........

...They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,Pacific."............

...They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.............

...They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.............

...They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now,"she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"............

...They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."............

...Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL............................they VOTE!

Top of Page

Queen Size

2007-08-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

A little boy went to the store with his
grandmother and on the way home,
he was looking at the things she had
purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and
began to sound out the words
"Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother
and exclaimed, "Look Grandma,
you wear the same size as our bed!"

Top of Page

High School Reunion

2007-08-11T08:53:00.001-07:00

My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I noticed the other men in
their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds
more than I did when I was in high school,
the result of trying to beat a living out of a
rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the
only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore
when he graduated."

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd,
then back at me, and said,

"You're the only one who has to."

Top of Page

The Most Important Discoveries

2007-08-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Top of Page

Inspiring Music

2007-06-02T01:53:00.001-07:00

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.

"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

Top of Page

God's Creatures

2007-06-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Giant Snowflake
(Albino Peacock!)

Be Prepared!

Nothing beats mama's love....

Waste not, want not....

I'm getting too fat to scratch my own butt!

Goal: To scratch my own butt!

YIKES!!

Now that is home security!!

Hope he doesn't get his head stuck.....

Mom, that first step is a killer!

Top of Page

Auld Lang Syne Kitties

2007-06-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

Goodbye 2006, Hello 2007!

2006 has sped by

Now we need to face 2007

There may be risks involved

We may need to face roadblocks

So stay alert

Share time with friends

Jump over obstacles

with care

And caution

Face challenges

Remember to laugh!

Cooperate

Discover
(The great lion huntress....)

Make new friends.

Above all...be ready for adventure!

Stick together

And you will be able to go far

Very far....

Well, not quite that far.....

Always take time to smell the flowers!

Make time for yourself
(Oddly disturbing!)...

Don't forget to relax and enjoy!

And never forget to love those dearest to you!

May God bless you and yours this 2007.
(Updated for the new year)

[Photographer(s) Unknown]

Top of Page

Sleepy Time

2007-06-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sleeping where you drop......

Top of Page

Butt Dust

2007-02-24T02:52:00.002-08:00

Came to me via email.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What, may you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on as these marvelous
stories unfold of what children think about and you'll discover the
joy in it!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister. After awhile he asked: "Mom, Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember you look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.
"I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury
you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

ROSS (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, little James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked
at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit
your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,
we are but dust."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need. And
remember to laugh DAILY! It's good for the soul!

Top of Page

What! No E-mail?

2007-02-24T02:52:00.001-08:00

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a
janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an
aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed
at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that
I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to
report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager
replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't
exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb.
flat of tomatos at the supermarket. Within less than
two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100%
profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day,
he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make
a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and
going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a
short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen
boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that
he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of
pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former
unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the
future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life
insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks
an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation,
the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send
the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have
you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet,
e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be
now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very
start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied,
"Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
C~B~N is LOL, how 'bout you?

Top of Page

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

2007-02-24T02:52:00.000-08:00

Via email~~

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that
the place is filling up fast, and we have been ministering an
entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you
have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that
the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions
over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,"
replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I
guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a
year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January
2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had
in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers
to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

"Run Forrest, run."

Top of Page

Animal Truisms

2007-01-06T06:55:00.000-08:00

- A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- Dogs may shed, but cats shred.

- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful (for more wonderful dog quotes go to: Great Dog Quotes )

- I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Top of Page

Blind Visitor

2006-12-17T03:59:00.000-08:00

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"

~~~~~~~~~
Ok, I KNOW you laughed!

Top of Page

Virtual Poetry

2006-12-17T03:55:00.000-08:00

Remember when ram meant just a male sheep

And bugs and worms were just things that creep?

When a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters

And virus were microbes that gave one the shivers?

When a web was a sticky net that housed a spider

And nets were just strings all woven together?

When surfing was just riding an ocean wave

And a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave?

When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown

And hackers were people who slashed things down?

When menus and servers were all about eating

And addresses and homes were places for living?

When Archie and Veronica were actually people

And trolls were pests that were considered mythical?

When mud was just slime and Spam was just food

And to 'finger' someone was not considered good?

When to chat and to talk still needed a voice...?

Now being online has all but mooted that choice.

Author Unknown

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Supermarket Surround Sound

2006-09-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

A new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell
of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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Top 10 Reasons Eve was Created

2006-09-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

This just made me laugh!

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said,

"I can do better than that."

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The Most Powerful Book in America

2006-09-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

They lie on the table side by side

The Holy Bible and the TV guide.

One is well worn and cherished with pride.

Not the Bible, but the TV guide.

One is used daily to help folks decide.

No, not the Bible, but the TV guide.

As the pages are turned, what shall they see.

Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV.

Then confusion reigns, they can't all agree

On what they should watch on the old TV.

So they open the book in which they confide,

No, not the Bible, but the TV guide.

The Word of God is seldom read,

Maybe a verse as they fall into bed.

Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be;

Not from reading the Bible, from watching TV.

So then back to the table side by side,

Lie the Holy Bible and the TV guide.

No time for prayer, no time for the Word,

The plan of Salvation is seldom heard.

But forgiveness of sin, so full and free,

Is found in the Bible, not on TV.

Choose which book will rule your family.

~The author is unfortunately "unknown"~

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Top Ten Changes to Cable Television

2006-09-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

My current job brings me into contact with subscribers of cable tv. When their cable goes out you'd think it was a NATIONAL CRISIS. They even call when 1 channel is out. I guess the other 4 gazillion don't got nuthin' good on 'em!

It is also the only business where when they have LOST one hour, or heaven forbid, one day of cable, they expect a price adjustment. (Now me, I'd rather have that price adjustment when electricity is lost--since it is sooooo hot in the south. But nope, never heard of anyone demanding that. Only when they are deprived of their "legalized" narcotic--the boob tube--does this demand result!

At any rate, these "Top Ten" had me laughing at cable television viewers!

10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".

9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.

8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.

7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.

6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.

5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.

4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.

3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.

2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.

1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."

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The Husband Store

2006-06-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, this one made me LOL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from Mountain Wings

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch...you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 –These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 –These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but she feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but her suspense and curiosity get
the best of her and she continues on to the sixth floor.

She gets to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - "You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor is here to simply prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!"

~Husband author unknown~

Top of Page

Hassels AFTER Death?????

2006-05-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently so.....

A woman had died in January, but her bank had billed her for their annual service charges for February and March on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 but was now around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the bank

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she's dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's funny now..........but.........

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The Attorney-Client Privilege

2006-05-17T13:53:00.002-07:00

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last......

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive ~~and practicing law!

Top of Page

Job Interview Etiquette

2006-05-17T13:53:00.001-07:00

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.

But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." {Come on, we've ALL thought this!!!! Especially those hired by the government drones.....lol}

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." {Can we say, eeeewwwww!}

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

- "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

- "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

- "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Top of Page

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

2006-05-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED {What about the Mrs.?} , SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY. {Not according to Snopes.com ;but still funny as all get out!}

Top of Page

Another "Priceless" moment

2006-05-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

New speedboat . . . . $45,000
New pickup truck . . . . $32,000
New pair of underwear . . . . $10
Heavy duty trailer hitch. . . . Priceless

(Came via email†††hopefully, no one was hurt.)

Top of Page

Thinking Under Pressure

2006-04-24T14:59:00.001-07:00

Actual Answers given on the game show "Family Feud"

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

Top of Page

Real "Life" Job Performance Evaluations

2006-04-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

- He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

- I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

- He's been working with glue too much.

- He would argue with a signpost.

- He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

- He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

- When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

- If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

- A prime candidate for Natural de-Selection.

- He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not allow this employee to breed.

- This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

- Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

- If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

- One neuron short of a Synapse.

- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

- Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is dead.

{Love Arcamax Jokes....want a daily laugh? Free newsletter. Just sign up and the giggles will come to you DAILY! Arcamax }

Top of Page

Words of Navajo Wisdom

2006-04-11T11:58:00.001-07:00

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits. Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel.

The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.

The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder.

After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.

Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Top of Page

The Meaning of Service

2006-04-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

{Ok, this one made me laugh!}

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

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The North vs the South

2006-04-01T03:50:00.000-08:00

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,

The South has the Bible Belt.

Top of Page

No, they're not laughing AT us.......

2006-03-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

they're laughing WITH us!!!!

Top of Page

More cute doggies

2006-03-25T18:47:00.001-08:00

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, the cutest, fattest little bear.....

Oh ma, do I gotta share???

I'm serious!!!!! Do not bark again in my ear!!!!

Oi, these long walks tire me....

His own special place!

Super clean dishes ma!

Whose your Alpha, Baby?

Just too tired to climb.....

How else can I get my required 17 hours of sleep AND keep cool????

I'll kill you IF

If you tell anyone about this.....

I was soooooo thirsty!!

Blast off!

See, Attitude IS everything!!!!

Wonder if this pup is from the South????

As always these came via email. Thanks to those who share the delights of their pets with the rest of us! I know, these always bring a smile to me.......

Top of Page

More cute kitties

2006-03-25T18:47:00.000-08:00

Oi vay, it's gonna be ONE of THOSE days.....

Prayer: I really should remember to ALWAYS start my day this way!

Who's your mama????

Grandma, what BIG eyes you have.....

WEEEEHHHHEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.....

SURPRISE!!!!!

You and me against the world!

I'm a curmudgeon.....so sue me!

Artists come in all sorts.....

Lunch, anyone?

Uuuuhhh, some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!

Aaaahhh, my own special spot!

Where'd it go, where'd it go? I just saw it!

I haven't gotten my required 17 hours of sleep. Go away!

Light? Light? You brought me a Light?

That didn't hurt!

I know it's in here somewhere.....

What do I do now?????

I do have my standards, even if the rest of these bums don't!!

Sisters, sisters, nothing comes between me and my sisters

MINE!

Stretching......while sleeping?

Where's the ears?

NOW, I'm comfortable!

What we don't know.....

As always these came via email. Thanks to those who share the delights of their pets with the rest of us! I know, these always bring a smile to me.......

Top of Page

The Hubris of the intelligent

2006-02-20T23:10:00.000-08:00

from Encarta
by Tamim Ansary

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and a bunch of Mensa members were lunching at a local café. They discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "We couldn't help but notice that pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker--"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles, switched them, and said, "Will that be one check or separate?"

Top of Page

AAADD

2006-02-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself :

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only one check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

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The Miser

2006-02-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife
with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there inblack, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him ???!!!"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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Foibles of Life

2006-01-31T00:46:00.000-08:00

Has it ever been used?????

It's a Love~Hate relationship!

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More Adorable Babies! Puppies that is!

2006-01-31T00:15:00.000-08:00

All Tuckered Out!!

Never were my dog's puppies so well mannered....the little gluttons!

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How Yankee are you?

2006-01-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Now, there is a test to determine how "yankee" you are~~or how Southern!!!

Yankee Test

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The Easy Way into Heaven?

2006-01-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

An exasperated mother, whose son was always

getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How

do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run

in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming

the door until Saint Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!' "

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NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT FOUND !!

2006-01-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named *Governmentium*.

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Age Test

2006-01-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat

4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat

7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat

10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

~~SMILES~~

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The New Pastor

2005-12-31T16:23:00.000-08:00

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!"

A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22a)

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Not your "normal" signs!

2005-12-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

Still Dead, Huh??? Go Figure...

What?

"Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..."

Good Job!!

Load 'em up with burritos, Mom!!

I'm Confused...

How the hell can I write if I'm ILLITERATE!!!!

Ah, the wide open spaces of America! Nothing tastes better than open range raised cows...chickens....oohhh and stoves!

Beautiful, lush lawns of ...dirt?

Speling iz knot imprtunt fir astranawts

Make up your mind!!!

Don't drink and make signs...

As usual this came to me via an email!

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What Peace really looks like!

2005-12-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

Visit fellow blogger Lets Be Friends for some adorable pictures of loving animals!

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The Controversy of the Christmas Stamps

2005-12-20T15:28:00.000-08:00

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."

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Out of the mouths of babes

2005-12-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about
Verge an' Mary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His
name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't
make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would
repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she
decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the
prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but
deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel,
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and
talked out loud. Finally,his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5,
and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a
moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died
and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a
moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

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Texas

2005-12-15T23:24:00.000-08:00

Rules to Enter Texas: Applies to each person as they enter Texas.

Learn & remember:
(East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!)

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter
how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your
Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes
north. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.
We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only
3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want
sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the
first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all
women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick
off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three
spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah....
We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred
in San Antonio....and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into
my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive
a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit thewater hazards -
it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They come
outta there with an education plus a love for God and country,
and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for
the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas".
If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam
Houston once said:

"Texas can make it without the United States, but the
United States can't make it without Texas."

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If Only...

2005-11-30T19:52:00.000-08:00

Marvin the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."

At this point, Marvin gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"

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The Baptist Barber

2005-11-01T15:07:00.000-08:00

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought, "At least I don't need to get a shave every day." The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

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The Lifespans explained

2005-10-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Thanks to Arcamax for this funny!

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Jesus vs. satan

2005-10-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than he~~.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,

screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair!

He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES."

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Thoughtful One-Liners

2005-10-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

Humility is such an elusive thing. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Thanks to Arcamax for these funny, thoughtful one-liners! Love my daily email from them~~a laugh a day keeps the doctor away! You can sign up at the link provided~~so you can keep the doctor away too!

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Out of the mouths of babes

2005-10-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

Came to me via email!
For those who teach Sunday School, a little reminder for the potential of communication flaws between those who speak and those who hear.

Subject: Bible Stories

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,

"I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Three Aces!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

The Lord IS MY shepherd~~what more can we possibly want?

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Aggies prepare for hurricane....?

2005-09-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Aggies love aggie jokes. As this is my Alma Mater I feel I can post this. As always, this came via email. LOL and enjoy!

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Fabulous house for sale!

2005-09-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

Fabulous new digs with tons of natural greenery!

On top of the world too!

Always did want to throw that mean cat into the swimming hole!

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Pot-o-gold

2005-09-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

So this is the pot at the end of the rainbow! And they said it would be full of gold.

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Warning to all dog owners: Watch your dog!

2005-09-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

The State Highway Patrol in conjunction
with the FBI has issued a warning
advising all dog owners
to keep their dogs indoors
until further notice. Dogs are being picked
off one at a time on an almost continual
basis throughout the city.
They are falling in great numbers.
Police in the city advise all dog
owners not to walk their
dogs -KEEP THEM INDOORS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
(Thanks to my friend Cyndi for forwarding this one!)

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If this doesn't make you smile...you're hopeless!

2005-09-17T05:55:00.000-07:00

Baby's first.....Mouse?!?

BEWARE OF DOG!!!!

Mama, what a great bit tongue you have!

The cats life for me!

Just try and get me!

Gotcha, right where I wantcha!

What are they? What are they?

Just tuckered out....

Cuddling with baby~now that is love!

Now that's what I call a "hot dog"!

Cooling off in the "dog days" of summer!

Trunk full of babies!

First place for the "cat-o-lympics" for ATTITUDE!

Well, when you can't decide...choose both!

Uh oh, I think this is a stick up!

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I'm a Bad American!

2005-09-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I VOTE.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid
level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer; it makes you a smart
American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does
not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac; try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment
than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the
bill to put your pansy a~~ through 4 years plus of college, you haven't
begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where
they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever
cancelled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know w wrestling is fake, and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now,
when I'm freezing my a~~ off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave. I didn't wander forty years In
the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any
witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So,
shut up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse
Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of
the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry a~~ if you're
running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your a~~ over if you're
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver’s license. I
think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want
you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world
for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me
junk or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.
These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.

And what the he~~ is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back

Formerly attributed to comedian George Carlin but have found out he did not write this! (But he should have...) Read it here: Snopes

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Understanding Southerners

2005-09-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,don't wash your car for a couple of weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.

6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not
up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey.

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet.You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice!

11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use
two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we
eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still
address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends
and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well. (Just what the heck is multi-tasking?)

15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner.

25. Your children can address us by our first names...after adding Mrs. or Mr. first!

26. Yeah, we talk slow and we listen slow-so slow down that yankee speech and don’t assume it means we are stupid!

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Bad Parent!

2005-09-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

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Bathroom Nightmare?

2005-09-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

Eeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!!!

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Noah in 2005

2005-09-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse! , the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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CRIME

2005-08-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I love jokes! I love the sensation of a good jolly laugh. Jokes are a

wonderful way to get that laughing going! This joke comes via the

Arcamax joke a day ezine. If interested, you can subscribe here:

Arcamax

Crime

Late one night in Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped

into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me

your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You

can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Updated New

The Senate is investigating deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies
target the elderly and make them think
they will receive a bunch of money, but in
reality they never see any of it. The most
popular of these scams is called

Social Security.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Come on I KNOW you're laughing!!

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