Understanding Southerners

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,don't wash your car for a couple of weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.

6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not
up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey.

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet.You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice!

11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use
two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we
eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still
address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends
and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well. (Just what the heck is multi-tasking?)

15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner.

25. Your children can address us by our first names...after adding Mrs. or Mr. first!

26. Yeah, we talk slow and we listen slow-so slow down that yankee speech and don’t assume it means we are stupid!




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