You Might be a Redneck If

-You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

- You've been to a funeral and there were more
pick-ups than cars.

- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie
Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

- You just bought an 8-track player to put
in your car.

- There are four or more cars up on blocks
in the front yard.

-You can't get married to your sweetheart
because there is a law against it.

- You celebrate Groundhog Day because you
believe in it.

- Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

- You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.

- You fish in your above-ground pool... and
catch something.

- Your beer can collection is considered a
tourist attraction in your home town.

- Getting a package from your post office
requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station
to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip
Budweiser wall clock.

- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You think you are an entrepreneur because
of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

- You're still scalping tickets after the concert
is over.

- You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.

- Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP"
you reach in your back pocket.

- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
table.

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Redneck Country Songs

Readers of New York magazine were asked
to invent country-song titles.

Here are some entries:

- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The
Night I Threw You Out

- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But
My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left
With A Tart

- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad
Hare Day

- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't
Choose Me

- The Peach I Picked In Georgia
Didn't Cling To Me For Long

- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In
A Cookbook On Your Shelf

- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope
You're Happy

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The North vs the South

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,

The South has the Bible Belt.

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How Yankee are you?

Now, there is a test to determine how "yankee" you are~~or how Southern!!!

Yankee Test

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Understanding Southerners

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,don't wash your car for a couple of weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.

6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not
up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey.

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet.You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice!

11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use
two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we
eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still
address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends
and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well. (Just what the heck is multi-tasking?)

15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner.

25. Your children can address us by our first names...after adding Mrs. or Mr. first!

26. Yeah, we talk slow and we listen slow-so slow down that yankee speech and don’t assume it means we are stupid!




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