The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible
were written by children and have not
been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad
spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
God got tired of creating the world, so
he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark
because Noah built the ark, which the
animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and
throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with
the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount
Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve
told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle
of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had
300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the
mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the
east arrived and found Jesus in the
manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had
an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped
water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule,
which says do one to others before
they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does
not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose
from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus
were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the
apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew
who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached the holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony.


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