The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible
were written by children and have not
been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad
spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
God got tired of creating the world, so
he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark
because Noah built the ark, which the
animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and
throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with
the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount
Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve
told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle
of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had
300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the
mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the
east arrived and found Jesus in the
manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had
an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped
water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule,
which says do one to others before
they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does
not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose
from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus
were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the
apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew
who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached the holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony.


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Marriage

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old
granddaughter playing "wedding."
The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say may be held against you,
you have the right to have an attorney
present. You may kiss the bride."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the wedding ceremony was over,
a little girl asked her mother why the
bride changed her mind.

"What do you mean?" responded her mother.

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Queen Size

A little boy went to the store with his
grandmother and on the way home,
he was looking at the things she had
purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and
began to sound out the words
"Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother
and exclaimed, "Look Grandma,
you wear the same size as our bed!"


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Sleepy Time

Sleeping where you drop......

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Butt Dust

Came to me via email.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What, may you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on as these marvelous
stories unfold of what children think about and you'll discover the
joy in it!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister. After awhile he asked: "Mom, Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember you look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.
"I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury
you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

ROSS (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, little James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked
at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit
your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,
we are but dust."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"


Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need. And
remember to laugh DAILY! It's good for the soul!

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The Easy Way into Heaven?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always

getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How

do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run

in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming

the door until Saint Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!' "



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Out of the mouths of babes

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about
Verge an' Mary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His
name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't
make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would
repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she
decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the
prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but
deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel,
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and
talked out loud. Finally,his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5,
and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a
moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died
and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a
moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

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Out of the mouths of babes

Came to me via email!
For those who teach Sunday School, a little reminder for the potential of communication flaws between those who speak and those who hear.

Subject: Bible Stories

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


LOT'S WIFE


The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"



SUNDAY SCHOOL



A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,

"I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?


A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"



HIGHER POWER


A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Three Aces!"



SUNDAY SCHOOL


Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.


When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"



THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD


A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.


She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,


"The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know.


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The Lord IS MY shepherd~~what more can we possibly want?



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