Butt Dust

Came to me via email.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What, may you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on as these marvelous
stories unfold of what children think about and you'll discover the
joy in it!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister. After awhile he asked: "Mom, Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember you look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.
"I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury
you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and
she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

ROSS (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, little James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked
at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit
your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you,
we are but dust."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"


Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need. And
remember to laugh DAILY! It's good for the soul!

Top of Page

What! No E-mail?

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a
janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an
aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed
at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that
I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to
report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager
replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't
exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb.
flat of tomatos at the supermarket. Within less than
two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100%
profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day,
he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make
a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and
going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a
short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen
boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that
he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of
pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former
unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the
future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life
insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks
an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation,
the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send
the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have
you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet,
e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be
now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very
start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied,
"Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
C~B~N is LOL, how 'bout you?


Top of Page

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

Via email~~

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that
the place is filling up fast, and we have been ministering an
entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you
have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that
the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions
over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,"
replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I
guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a
year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January
2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had
in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers
to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

"Run Forrest, run."


Top of Page