The Lifespans explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Thanks to Arcamax for this funny!

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Jesus vs. satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.


Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."


So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.


They moused.


They faxed.


They e-mailed.


They e-mailed with attachments.


They downloaded.


They did spreadsheets!


They wrote reports.


They created labels and cards.


They created charts and graphs.


They did some genealogy reports.


They did every job known to man.


Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than he~~.


Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.


Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.


Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,

screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.


Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair!


He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"


God just shrugged and said,






"JESUS SAVES."



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Thoughtful One-Liners

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

Humility is such an elusive thing. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Thanks to Arcamax for these funny, thoughtful one-liners! Love my daily email from them~~a laugh a day keeps the doctor away! You can sign up at the link provided~~so you can keep the doctor away too!

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Out of the mouths of babes

Came to me via email!
For those who teach Sunday School, a little reminder for the potential of communication flaws between those who speak and those who hear.

Subject: Bible Stories

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


LOT'S WIFE


The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"



SUNDAY SCHOOL



A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,

"I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?


A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"



HIGHER POWER


A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Three Aces!"



SUNDAY SCHOOL


Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.


When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"



THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD


A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.


She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,


"The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know.


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The Lord IS MY shepherd~~what more can we possibly want?



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