God's Voice Mail

Most of us have now learned to
live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives.

Have you ever wondered what
it would be like if God decided
to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing
the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following
options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and
Saints are busy helping other
sinners right now.

However, your prayer is important
to us and we will answer it in
the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has
been assigned to heaven press 5,
then enter his social security #
followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response,
please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven,
please enter JOHN followed
by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you
arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you
have already been prayed for today,
please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the
weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and
need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † †

While this makes us laugh....been there
and experienced that.....isn't it a relief
that God will never treat us this way?

That whenever we need HIM, HE is
there! He is just a short prayer away!

C~B~N

Top of Page

The Big Bang

Astronomers were excited this week at
having isolated a brief sound which
occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."


Top of Page

The New Pastor

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!"

A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22a)

Top of Page

The Controversy of the Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."

Top of Page

If Only...

Marvin the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."

At this point, Marvin gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"


Top of Page

The Baptist Barber

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought, "At least I don't need to get a shave every day." The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."



Top of Page

The Lifespans explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Thanks to Arcamax for this funny!

Top of Page

Jesus vs. satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.


Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."


So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.


They moused.


They faxed.


They e-mailed.


They e-mailed with attachments.


They downloaded.


They did spreadsheets!


They wrote reports.


They created labels and cards.


They created charts and graphs.


They did some genealogy reports.


They did every job known to man.


Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than he~~.


Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.


Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.


Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,

screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.


Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair!


He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"


God just shrugged and said,






"JESUS SAVES."



Top of Page

Thoughtful One-Liners

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Sermons and biscuits are improved by shortening.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

Humility is such an elusive thing. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Thanks to Arcamax for these funny, thoughtful one-liners! Love my daily email from them~~a laugh a day keeps the doctor away! You can sign up at the link provided~~so you can keep the doctor away too!

Top of Page

Noah in 2005

Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse! , the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Top of Page