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Saturday, December 31, 2005

The New Pastor

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!"

A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22a)

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Not your "normal" signs!

Still Dead, Huh??? Go Figure...




What?




"Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..."




Good Job!!



Load 'em up with burritos, Mom!!



I'm Confused...



How the hell can I write if I'm ILLITERATE!!!!



Ah, the wide open spaces of America! Nothing tastes better than open range raised cows...chickens....oohhh and stoves!



Beautiful, lush lawns of ...dirt?



Speling iz knot imprtunt fir astranawts



Make up your mind!!!



Don't drink and make signs...

As usual this came to me via an email!



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What Peace really looks like!

Visit fellow blogger Lets Be Friends for some adorable pictures of loving animals!

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The Controversy of the Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."

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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Out of the mouths of babes

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about
Verge an' Mary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His
name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't
make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would
repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she
decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the
prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but
deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel,
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and
talked out loud. Finally,his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5,
and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a
moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died
and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a
moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

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Texas


Rules to Enter Texas: Applies to each person as they enter Texas.

Learn & remember:
(East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!)

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter
how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your
Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.


3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes
north. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.
We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only
3 weeks a year.


5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.


6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.You better hope you

don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want
sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.


8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the
first of November.


9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all
women, regardless of age.


10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick
off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.


11. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three
spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah....
We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred
in San Antonio....and real chili never met a tomato!


12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into
my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive
a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit thewater hazards -
it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They come

outta there with an education plus a love for God and country,
and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for
the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas".
If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.


17. Always remember what our great governor Sam
Houston once said:



  • "Texas can make it without the United States, but the
    United States can't make it without Texas."

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