God's Voice Mail

Most of us have now learned to
live with voice mail as a necessary
part of our lives.

Have you ever wondered what
it would be like if God decided
to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing
the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following
options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and
Saints are busy helping other
sinners right now.

However, your prayer is important
to us and we will answer it in
the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has
been assigned to heaven press 5,
then enter his social security #
followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response,
please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven,
please enter JOHN followed
by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you
arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you
have already been prayed for today,
please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the
weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and
need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † † †

While this makes us laugh....been there
and experienced that.....isn't it a relief
that God will never treat us this way?

That whenever we need HIM, HE is
there! He is just a short prayer away!

C~B~N

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The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible
were written by children and have not
been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad
spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
God got tired of creating the world, so
he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark
because Noah built the ark, which the
animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and
throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with
the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount
Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve
told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle
of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had
300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the
mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the
east arrived and found Jesus in the
manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had
an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped
water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule,
which says do one to others before
they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does
not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose
from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus
were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the
apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew
who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached the holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony.


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20th Century Visionaries

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank goodness other "visionaries" didn't listen!!

I'm LOL...C~B~N


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You Might be a Redneck If

-You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

- You've been to a funeral and there were more
pick-ups than cars.

- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie
Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

- You just bought an 8-track player to put
in your car.

- There are four or more cars up on blocks
in the front yard.

-You can't get married to your sweetheart
because there is a law against it.

- You celebrate Groundhog Day because you
believe in it.

- Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

- You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.

- You fish in your above-ground pool... and
catch something.

- Your beer can collection is considered a
tourist attraction in your home town.

- Getting a package from your post office
requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station
to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip
Budweiser wall clock.

- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You think you are an entrepreneur because
of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

- You're still scalping tickets after the concert
is over.

- You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.

- Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP"
you reach in your back pocket.

- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong
table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Country Songs

Readers of New York magazine were asked
to invent country-song titles.

Here are some entries:

- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The
Night I Threw You Out

- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But
My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left
With A Tart

- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad
Hare Day

- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't
Choose Me

- The Peach I Picked In Georgia
Didn't Cling To Me For Long

- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In
A Cookbook On Your Shelf

- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope
You're Happy

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Colliding galaxies & Personal Integrity

Colliding Galaxies

The New York Times, among other papers,
recently published a new Hubble photograph
of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures
of colliding galaxies for quite some time now,
but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can
actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lawyer's Personal Integrity

An investment counselor went out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept
coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed
an in-house counsel, and so she began
interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she
started off with one of the first applicants,
"in a business like this, our personal integrity
must be beyond question."

She leaned forward and continued,
"Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect.
"Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent
me fifteen thousand dollars for my education
and I paid back every penny the minute I
tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,

"He sued me for the money."


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Lost and Found

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had
left my purse under the seat. Later I
called the company and was relieved
that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several
off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook,
two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost
wallets and purses," he explained.

"I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back
into the pocketbook, the man continued,
"I hope you don't mind if we watch.

Even though we all tried, none of us
could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just how you do it."


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The Big Bang

Astronomers were excited this week at
having isolated a brief sound which
occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."


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One Wish

A woman was walking along the beach
when she stumbled upon an unusual
old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned
it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she was
going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation,
constant downsizing, low wages in
third-world countries, and fierce global
competition, I can only grant you one
wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm good, but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and
said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and
helps with the housecleaning, is good
in bed and gets along with my family,
doesn't watch sports all the time,
and is faithful. That's what I wish
for...a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and
said, "Let me see that map!"

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Marriage

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old
granddaughter playing "wedding."
The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say may be held against you,
you have the right to have an attorney
present. You may kiss the bride."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the wedding ceremony was over,
a little girl asked her mother why the
bride changed her mind.

"What do you mean?" responded her mother.

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up$46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the$46.64.............

...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free."
"They're already buy-one-get- one-free" , she said, "so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.............

...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"............

...They Walk Among Us!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."..........

...They Walk Among Us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,Pacific."............

...They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.............

...They Walk Among Us!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.............

...They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now,"she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"............

...They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."............

...Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL............................they VOTE!


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Queen Size

A little boy went to the store with his
grandmother and on the way home,
he was looking at the things she had
purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and
began to sound out the words
"Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother
and exclaimed, "Look Grandma,
you wear the same size as our bed!"


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High School Reunion

My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I noticed the other men in
their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds
more than I did when I was in high school,
the result of trying to beat a living out of a
rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the
only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore
when he graduated."

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd,
then back at me, and said,

"You're the only one who has to."


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The Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

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